baby mine, you’re growing up, leaving me behind to tidy up

29 Dec

jamison is our last baby and we know it. we wanted four. we got four.

now we’re done.

then, why am i’m holding on to her babyhood? why am i not looking forward to what is in store? because i know what i have to look forward to and it really only gets better, but i want to hold on to this baby and not let her go.

maybe it’s because i know it’s the last time i’ll have a 16 month old that is mine, all mine. the last time i’ll have a babe at the breast. i’ve talked about weaning and even started the process by having daddyjay put her to bed at night, but i’m not ready to be done. i don’t mind it. i thoroughly enjoying being able to comfort her and lull her to sleep all on my own, by myself, but i’m not ready yet and she’s not ready yet and i’m not entirely sure when we will be ready, but i’m not giving it up just yet. there’s too much i’d miss and i’m not ready for the next time i nurse her to be the last time i nurse her.

the last time i can comfort her just so.

the last time she’ll reach for my shirt because she fell or is tired or just wants some love in the way only her mama can give.

the last time she’ll pat a chair for me to sit and smile at me while saying and signing “please.”

the last time she’ll say “thank you” when i do sit down to nurse her.

the last time i’ll nurse her to sleep.

the last time i’ll get her from bed in the morning when she immediately lies across my chest.

the last time i’ll take her back to bed with me for a few extra minutes of wakeful sleep when i can curl into her.

the last time i’ll watch as she curls into me, eyes rolled back, hand reaching across my chest to find the unused nipple.

and i don’t even mind how she’ll “tune in tokyo,” or slice my breast with her nails, or squirt milk across the room, because, yes, all of those can, and do, happen quite frequently. but giving up those few things would mean giving up the last shred of any baby in my house.

and i’m just not ready yet.

9 Responses to “baby mine, you’re growing up, leaving me behind to tidy up”

  1. Megan January 1, 2010 at 11:23 am #

    Wow – that was beautiful. I am still breastfeeding my 10 month old and I hate that our time is passing so quickly. I dread the day that she stops wanting to nurse, and even though she is our first and there will (hopefully) be more babies to come, in my mind it just won’t be the same. I will still be breastfeeding my baby, but I won’t be breastfeeding HER. I am going to miss it so, so much.

  2. Kayris December 31, 2009 at 11:04 am #

    I’ve only got two, but we’re done too. My baby just turned 3 last month. And even though in my heart I know for certain that I don’t want anymore babies, it’s still sometimes hard to watch her grow up.

  3. Natalie at Mommy on Fire December 30, 2009 at 7:12 pm #

    My baby boy, youngest of three spaced way too close together, just got his first haircut. This should be no big deal but why on earth is it that they look SO much older when we cut the locks? I want one more but hubby has been snipped so this post spoke to me – though all three will always be my babies, my youngest will MOST CERTAINLY be my baby…Poor guy…

  4. Mommy Melee December 30, 2009 at 9:14 am #

    Oh yes, my heart is with you on this one. I don’t know if we’re done or not but we’re certainly leaning toward done. (We’re definitely done if you ask my husband.) Part of me is definitely ready for some dependence, but I am loving nursing and I do not want to let go of our special bond yet. It makes my stomach twist and turn.

    Thank you for sharing this, lady.

  5. Rayne of terror December 30, 2009 at 7:09 am #

    My son weaned on his own at 17 months. It certainly was bittersweet.

  6. anymommy December 29, 2009 at 11:23 pm #

    Yes. That is it exactly. This is a beautiful post.

    I wish I had as firm a hold on Nate being our last one as you do. I know it’s best. I know he should be, I know we are so lucky…it’s so hard to accept that it’s all for the last time.

  7. Angella December 29, 2009 at 10:35 pm #

    This is beautiful. I remember going through this with Emily.

    (HUGS)

  8. Crunchy Nurse December 29, 2009 at 9:39 pm #

    Good for you. Nurse your baby as long as you and she want to continue.

  9. maddie marie December 29, 2009 at 2:33 pm #

    it makes me sad when babies actually grow up. when they hold their own bottle and when they want to do things all by themselves. but then i remember how much changing diapers sucks and grateful i am that kids learn how to wipe their own asses.
    remember that jamison will always be your baby though and even though you no longer get to nurse her or hold her in your arms, she’ll still come to you for everything=)

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