i told you i would be too busy to post anything

i started this yesterday morning, so you’ll see what’s been done since.

i’m still plugging away at birthday gifts.

-my sister’s baby got a travel pillow case, as requested & a t-shirt with a 2. when she unwrapped it, she knew what the pillow case was & laid it on the ground & pretended to sleep on it. too cute.

-last year, the boy cousin got a shirt with a roman numeral 9, and when he opened this present last week he shouted, “a 10 shirt!” he was pleasantly surprised to find a tie t-shirt, instead. sadly, i have no pictures of this.

-the girls’ quilts have been quilted & are on their way back here as we speak. i should get them today or tomorrow i have them. i started binding one of them and will be frantically hand-stitching all the live-long day. a week should give me plenty of time.

-i’ve also got to get them to pick out 8 different fabrics for a t-shirt & add a monogram to an adorable dress from target.

then, they’ll be done.

-i’m finishing up a very late wedding gift for nectarine & uncle alice. it may be after the girls’ birthday, but it’s worth it. i’m also going to send her birthday present then, too. i’d show you those, but then she’d see them since she reads these posties. (i’m on the last step of this one! yay!)

-past that, i haven’t even thought of presents & i have 4 more by march 2.

-in other news, my best friend is coming out to visit next week with her daughter, who is the girls’ age. the girls have no idea & we’re hoping to surprise them big time. while she’s here, we’re running a 10k (my first) on valentine’s day. i’ve never run more than 4 miles in one shot, so just over 6 should be interesting. i did do that relay last year, but only did 3 miles at a time throughout the day.

-i’ve been inspired by bhj to run every day for the month of february, whether it’s 1 mile or a 10k, i’ll be out there every day. he ran every day in january & stopped eating meat & sugar & lost 17 lbs. granted, i don’t need to lose 17 lbs, but it’s a testament to what exercise & better eating will do. we ran along the aqueduct (or canal if you wanna pretend we’re fancy) today & the boy calls it the “actaduck” (and it looks like i’ll have to wait until daddyjay gets home from work today before i can run since the boy is sick. but i’m committed.)

-my hair fits in a ponytail, again. granted, it’s an ugly ponytail, but for someone who is growing her hair out again, it’s a huge milestone. also? there are white hairs on my temple that i couldn’t see without pulling it back. and i love it.

-i finally fixed a pair of jeans that got a big hole in the knee. i patched them with a piece of home dec. cloth & since i haven’t worn them since before jamison was born, i’ve worn them for 3 days.

-once these birthdays are over, i really want to sew for myself & hope to do just that for a long while. i have a huge list of things to make for me & i never get to them.

ok. i’m off.

a happy birthday to my other sister

today, nectarine turns the ripe old age of 27. she’s officially old in her late 20s.

lovely girl, i hope you have the most glorious of birthdays today.

grandpa fred: a series of posts highlighting old family photos and the stories they tell

my mom’s dad is somewhat of an enigma to me. i remember a warm character who loved us all quietly. only in my adulthood have i learned much more of the layers that is my grandpa. the one who shares an F with my son, as well as the middle name, for my justice is named after the family patriarch, fred justice, jr.

he came down with pancreatic cancer sometime in my 6th or 7th grade year. it was first time i remember realizing that these people i love who are older than me are not immortal. they will die off one by one and while horribly sad, i realized that this is what life is about. the culmination of our lives is our inevitable deaths.

the morning i went on the 8th grade beta club trip to dubois, i went to see him at the hospital. i don’t remember noticing an extra urgency when my mom asked me if i wanted to go see him in those pre-dawn hours, but she knew it was the end and wanted us to see the man who was much like a father to us. while on the retreat, we did a bunch of small groups where we talked about various issues. i sat in a circle of peers and cried about how my grandpa was sick and could die at any moment and how lucky i was to know him and to have seen him that morning. when she came to pick me up in the parking lot of casey junior high school at 3:30 that afternoon, i knew what had happened before my mom said, “grandpa died.” when i asked her when, she said it was about 10:15 am, exactly when i was speaking about him.

born an only child to fred, sr. & my own namesake, grandpa fred was afforded a comfortable life in small town illinois.

grandpa was a horribly handsome man, even as a young chap.

i found out, as an adult, that he had been misdiagnosed as a schizophrenic when my mom was young and missed out on much of their lives. he spent days in bed and even lived with his parents for a time. when my parents got married, my dad, who is a doctor, thought that he was bipolar & once he was correctly diagnosed and medicated, he started to come back around to doing things he loved.

i asked my mom about him recently because i wanted to know more about him and felt like there was a gaping hole in his story. i knew he was in the armed forces, but i knew very little about what else he did in his life before me.

he worked at a refrigeration plant in indiana before rejoining the army. after they came back from being stationed in europe, he had trouble finding work, but did eventually work at a local factory and at one point delivered bread. his illness kept him from getting and keeping jobs, only because he wasn’t reliable.

grandpa was very athletic & had a lot of fun with the kids before the depression took over. he took and processed his own photographs. he sang in a barbershop quartet and was on a bowling team with his dad. he completed 2 years of college.

there is so much more to my grandpa that i never knew. he was much more than the silent teddy bear who wore cardigans, played tennis, smoked cigars on the back porch, took thousands of pictures, warmed the same spot in the same pew every sunday, and loved us with a smile that would melt my heart.

i never knew him as an adult, and, oh, how i wish he knew my kids. i can only ask for the stories, so that they don’t die out as well. even though my kids never knew him, i want them to know who he was and how important he was to me.

time, time, time, see what’s become of me

my days are not filled with enough hours. or someone is stealing them from me. either way, i don’t have enough time to do what i want & need to do.

my mornings consist of breakfast, coffee, making sure the big girls are getting ready, making lunches, making sure the big girls are getting ready, holding jamison, making sure the big girls are getting ready (notice a theme here? stallers!) keeping justice occupied, and then scooting us out the door by 7:30 am if the biguns missed the bus which scoops them up at the ungodly hour of 7:03 am.

after the girls are in school, we get ready for our morning run. i’m trying to save money by not joining a gym, so i run with the kids in my double jogger. it’s the only double stroller i have & i bought it from my sister for cheap. i mean, like, half price. i get a pretty good workout, too. i usually run 2 – 3 miles, since i just started again recently after the heat of summer & took a break when we went to st. louis for the wedding. before i digress too far from topic, i just want it on record that i push a combined weight of 90 lbs when i run and wonder how many extra calories that burns end up burning an extra 90 calories per 30 minutes. that’s hard, yo.

on monday/wednesday/friday, i drop the boy off at preschool while we’re running & bring the almost not a baby home for a nap. she generally falls asleep in the stroller on the way home, when she doesn’t, we hang out and play until she’s ready to pass out. this can cause a problem some days since she sleeps for 2+ hours and i have to go get him at noon, but we work it out.

today, of all days, i really need to get some sewing done, but jamison woke me at 4 am & just now went back to sleep for a nap. the night before? she woke at 12:30 am and screamed her head off for me. when she finally went back to sleep, it was 3:30 am. morning wake up came way too fast for me yesterday and today wasn’t much better.

because of the loss of sleep, though, i have even less time to sew those birthday things for my girls. i have to package up their quilts asap to have my friends do the hard job of quilting them. i have 30 days to get them done in time for their birthdays.

and now that the last few paragraphs have rambled almost incoherently (i wrote them just now & the rest was done long ago) i have to hit publish before i go berserk. pardon me if it didn’t flow so smoothly.

it’s delurking day, btw, so if you came here, drop me a line. tell me something. your name, your favorite color, what is bothering you, what is lifting you up. just talk.

i’ll start.

my name is jenny. my favorite color is bright sunshiny yellow. i wish my baby doll would sleep so that we aren’t miserable. coffee is making me happy this morning.

and a picture because i can.

snow in southerm illinois at the henderson’s (that’s my cousins)
although it’s pretty to look at, i’m sure glad i’m not living in it right now.

a wee break

i’m gonna take a bit of a break so i can knock out some birthday presents. we have a million billion birthdays in the next 2 months including:

1-25: the niece, belly

1-30: the cousin, marshall

2-13: scout & jillianne

2-18: the cousin, eva

2-28: my sister

3-1: my mom

3-2: the niece, cecil

so i’m gonna not feel like i need to blog until i want to and/or have the time. i do hope to some back with more in the series of old photographs, so look for that when i’m back.

and since this looks boring without a picture, here’s the baby drinking hot chocolate.

oh, maw maw betty: a series of posts highlighting old family photos and the stories they tell

*i hope to highlight different individuals from my family over a series of posts and tell their stories. today, i’ll start with the matriarch of our family, maw maw betty.

growing up, she was always grandma betty to me, but the girls said maw maw instead of grandma, so it stuck. maw maw betty she is.

i’ve been meaning to get to a post about grandmother’s and her, specifically, for quite some time, but never did have the pictures i wanted. when i was back in mt. vernon for my cousin’s funeral, we spent a lot of time at my grandma’s house looking through the box of photos i never did get to pore over before i moved in july. she gave me free reign and came home with the mother-lode.

she was born to jesse and lola belle on december 26, 1926, and just celebrated her 83rd birthday. she has been a solid, constant source of love in my life and has held the family together through her stoic grace & determination in her faith. she is an unapologetic southern baptist who regards her family in terms of their own faith, which is why keep my views to myself. i don’t need her praying over me and my 5 jews any more than she already does.

my grandma took care of her family when her husband couldn’t do it, for one reason or another. she supported 6 kids on meager wages because she was forced to and she still works now because she needs to more than she wants to. i still don’t know all of the stories about why she had to work, but it was required and i have an inkling of an idea, but will have to share those stories when i know them.

on to the photos.

aunt mary & maw maw betty in 1929. desolate times in southern illinois, but they didn’t complain. they had their family and that was enough.

1st grade – 1932. in the heart of the depression.

8th grade, with pin curls and satin.

i’m amazed that she is so teeny-tiny with a 5 – 6 month old. and i love love love this dress.

with my mom, otherwise known as sloth from the goonies.

i die. this is just beautiful. i have no other words for this photo.

i can just hear her giggle as she holds up my mom. i’m also completed surprised she would do this.

not sure of the year, maybe 1961, but it’s the only picture i’ve ever seen of her pregnant.

this picture floors me with it’s stark beauty.

the clan without my grandpa in the church bulletin. they had 6 children in 14 years and my mom said there were at least 2 miscarriages. the kids’ names all start with J and their middles initials are B, C, D, E, F starting with the 2nd child. my mom disn’t have a middle name until she took her maiden name when she married.

i have this muumuu and plan to refashion it into a sundress before next summer. it reminds me of sunday mornings and golden grahams.

the photos are only memories of a time gone by and a life lived hard. she’s my hero for what she’s done and what she still does. she’d fight tooth and nail for us and is our rock. i can’t bear the thought of what will pass when she does. she held us together when sean died and i wonder who will hold us together when she does.

i can’t not engage, but i really don’t wanna

in the last few days 2 pretty big twitter/blog/internet drama-thingies* have happened. i know a person involved in one of these instances. they are my friend, my sibling, part of my life, internet or real, take your pick.

these issues are about love and weight and while i have many opinions on love and weight, i don’t necessarily post my hateful bile on the web because it’s what i think. nor will i post any trollish comments on people’s blogs. it’s not my style. i will, however, post my opinions in my own space.

situation #1: the weight story.

i have posted before about where i am in my life with my own body. this vessel of mine is mine and it’s a pretty darn good one. it’s my job to take care of it and i’ve recently fallen off the wagon for one reason or another. my weight hasn’t changed, but the shape has and i want to change it for ME, no one else, but me. in taking back control of the things i eat and the activity i do (mostly my lack of activity,) i will also be doing a great service to my family because, as i’ve said before, i want to be able to play with them and have fun with them. i still think i need to dance more with them in the kitchen.

there were some very rude things said in the section of one’s personal coming out as a plus-sized woman & i just want to shout: KEEP YOUR RUDE OPINIONS TO YOURSELF. just because we have blogs doesn’t mean we expect people to be assholes. you can get your point across without being rude and obnoxious. if you find yourself getting riled up when posting comments, take a step back, do something else for 30 minutes to chill before you post your comments. you may find you change what you’ve said based on removing yourself from the situation.

remember the golden rule?

you could learn a lot from what we learned in kindergarten. how hard is it for people to be nice? i’ve seen people say horrible things about each other and i just don’t understand why people feel the need to project such hatred online. isn’t it more stressful to be mean? is there science out there backing this up? if not, get me a grant, yo! my hypothesis is this: you will die sooner if you are mean.

situation #2: a love story.

not my business. end of story. my previous mentions of golden rules & not name-calling & stepping away from the situation apply. marriage and divorce should not be taken lightly, but if it isn’t your marriage or your divorce, zip it. you have no say (hear that, california, maine & arizona, et al!!??!!)

all said, i’m here to meet people, to connect, to grow as a person, to support people who do become my friends, my family, even. i’m not here to demonize or bash, whether i agree with one’s choices or not. that’s not my job. my job is to say what’s on my mind, and do it in a way that no one gets hurt. (remember? golden rule, folks.) because when other people hurt, so do i. i’m part of the human race and when one of you hurts and you reach out, i’m here to support you, love you, and hold your hand.

i don’t take sides.

i love you all and want all of you to be happy without maliciously hurting other people.

can we all try in the new year to not take sides? to love one another? if not love one another, than at least be civil? i think it would help an awful lot.

*yes, i didn’t link to the posts(SSSSS) in question. i did this on purpose.

ha noo nanny nool?

baa baa

Originally uploaded by mommymae

i’m in the middle of cleaning up some files in iphoto (daddyjay moved everything to an external hard drive, including original, modified version, copies & copies of copies) when i came across this gem.

this was the week after miss james was born & it’s really funny to hear how different his voice was just over a year ago.

if you can’t tell, it’s “baa baa black sheep” or at least a portion of it. he even says his name, but i doubt you could catch it since it sounds nothing like his actual name.

baby mine, you’re growing up, leaving me behind to tidy up

jamison is our last baby and we know it. we wanted four. we got four.

now we’re done.

then, why am i’m holding on to her babyhood? why am i not looking forward to what is in store? because i know what i have to look forward to and it really only gets better, but i want to hold on to this baby and not let her go.

maybe it’s because i know it’s the last time i’ll have a 16 month old that is mine, all mine. the last time i’ll have a babe at the breast. i’ve talked about weaning and even started the process by having daddyjay put her to bed at night, but i’m not ready to be done. i don’t mind it. i thoroughly enjoying being able to comfort her and lull her to sleep all on my own, by myself, but i’m not ready yet and she’s not ready yet and i’m not entirely sure when we will be ready, but i’m not giving it up just yet. there’s too much i’d miss and i’m not ready for the next time i nurse her to be the last time i nurse her.

the last time i can comfort her just so.

the last time she’ll reach for my shirt because she fell or is tired or just wants some love in the way only her mama can give.

the last time she’ll pat a chair for me to sit and smile at me while saying and signing “please.”

the last time she’ll say “thank you” when i do sit down to nurse her.

the last time i’ll nurse her to sleep.

the last time i’ll get her from bed in the morning when she immediately lies across my chest.

the last time i’ll take her back to bed with me for a few extra minutes of wakeful sleep when i can curl into her.

the last time i’ll watch as she curls into me, eyes rolled back, hand reaching across my chest to find the unused nipple.

and i don’t even mind how she’ll “tune in tokyo,” or slice my breast with her nails, or squirt milk across the room, because, yes, all of those can, and do, happen quite frequently. but giving up those few things would mean giving up the last shred of any baby in my house.

and i’m just not ready yet.

too busy to breathe

let alone post. i have tons of sewing to do and not enough time, but i’m trying.

happy chanukah to everyone!